my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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