hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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