Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
