I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
