I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
