There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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