God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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