Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
