That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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