I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
