I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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