I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
