Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
