can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
