I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
