I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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