my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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