She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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