Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I need to calm my uterus...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
