i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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