i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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