On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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