Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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