the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This baby is an asshole
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
