you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize