You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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