i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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