Your dad touched me again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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