so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
