that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
