I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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