I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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