Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
