dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
