Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
