It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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