Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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