When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
