I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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