in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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