I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize