Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
