He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Four minutes until I can fart!
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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