wakey wakey hands off snakey
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
