I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
where am i from again
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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