You don't have asthma, your pregnant
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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