the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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