She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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