Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
