Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
