That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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