Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
