remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
