I'm going to jail i love you
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
